The 9-Month Difficult Phase: 7 Real Tips That Help Right Now

You don't recognize your baby anymore? Screaming fits, meltdowns, and sleepless nights?

Your little one only wants to be with you, and you feel drained, helpless, and you're wondering how long this is going to last? (And why things are suddenly so hard right now?)

In this article, I'll walk you through why months 9 and 10 are so often a challenge, and what you can do to get through them well. (Yes, there are things you can do!)

The difficult phase at 9 months

Hi, I'm Sarah, a certified baby sleep consultant, and I really do understand what you're going through right now. (With my seven kids, I've been through quite a lot when it comes to sleep.)

The phase that shows up between 9 and 10 months can honestly be incredibly intense and demanding. When you talk to parents in the thick of it, you hear things like "I'm about to lose it" or "How am I supposed to keep this up?" A lot of moms describe "dramatic sleep deprivation" and a sleep situation that feels "impossible."

Their babies are unhappy around the clock, extremely clingy, and hard to settle, at night too.

Often this seems to come on out of nowhere. From one day to the next, these little sweethearts suddenly cry "for two hours straight," and their parents "have no idea what to do anymore."

So you can see: you are not alone. So many parents struggle with this exact phase.

And you're probably longing, just like they are, for good sleep, a little time for yourself, and a settled, happy baby again.

But before I show you what you can do, let's first understand why your baby is acting this way in the first place.

A lot of development at once

Between 8 and 10 months, babies go through an enormous amount of development, and every baby handles it differently depending on their temperament and how intense the changes feel to them.

During this time, they have to work through all of the following:

• Big physical leaps: crawling, pulling up to stand, maybe even their first words.
• Dropping (in most cases) from three naps to two, which can throw the whole daily rhythm into chaos.
• Learning to tell people apart from one another.
• And in general, taking in a flood of brand-new impressions that all need to be processed.

So you see, these aren't just important steps your baby is taking, they're also very intense and, at times, genuinely hard for them.

The fallout from these milestones is often separation anxiety, sleep regressions, and a very emotional, clingy little one. (Of course, how strongly this shows up varies a lot from baby to baby.)

"I'm right here for you!"

When we understand what babies are going through during this time and how intense it is for them, it suddenly gets a little easier to walk alongside them and be there for them.

Instead of feeling stressed or even frustrated in a typical fussy moment, we can meet these little ones with tenderness: "Oh, sweetheart. You're not feeling good and you're going through so much right now. I'm here with you, and we'll get through this together."

Separation anxiety

Most babies this age really don't like it when their closest people suddenly leave the room or disappear from view. (Babies only learn later on that Mom or Dad are still there, even when they can't see them.)

This separation anxiety also tends to show up at night, much to every parent's exhaustion. Your baby is looking for reassurance that Mom and Dad are still there, and since they can't see you, they cry.

Still, it helps to keep in mind that this is a completely natural development and totally normal behavior for a baby this age. (Even when the nights are really hard.)

During the day, you can gently practice these moments. Classic peekaboo, "Where's Mommy?"... "There she is!" games, or simply talking (or singing) when your baby can't see you, can all help here.

Sleep regressions

Sleep regressions often go hand in hand with developmental leaps.

A sleep regression is a stretch of time when babies are generally more restless. They wake up suddenly, fuss a lot, have a harder time falling asleep, and want nothing more than to be in Mom's or Dad's arms all day long. (You may have run into one earlier, during the 4-month sleep regression.) Normally a sleep regression is over after two to three weeks. But that doesn't always mean babies automatically go back to sleeping well afterward.

Why not?

A passing phase? Or maybe not?

Normally, the nice thing about phases is that they come and, after a while, they go again (usually within two to three weeks).

And often that's exactly what happens.

But it's a different story when "unhelpful" habits or patterns take hold during that time and then stick around after the phase itself has passed. Being carried all day long or unwanted sleep associations (like only falling asleep while nursing) are typical examples.

Here's the thing about babies: they often start treating a routine as a recurring, expected part of their day after just three days (!). Once it's there, they'll count on it, and if needed, ask for it (loudly).

In other words, if your baby has fallen asleep being carried at naptime for three days in a row, there's a good chance they'll expect the very same thing on day four.

The 9-month difficult phase: what should I do?

Now for the most important part. What can you do to get through this challenging stretch well?

Tip 1: Do NOT compare yourself to other parents

It's so easy (too easy) to compare yourself to other parents. And especially in a moment like this, when your baby is having a hard time, it doesn't exactly lift you up to see other babies looking perfectly cheerful and content.

It also has nothing to do with other parents doing something more "right" than you. It is not your fault that your little one is having an intense stretch. As I said, this is a completely normal phase that hits some children harder than others.

Every person is different (and that's a good thing!).

If we're going through a hard phase right now, maybe we get to skip a tricky one at some other age down the road.

I still remember how often, back when one of our first babies was little, people asked me whether our baby was finally going to start sleeping through the night at 10 months (like other babies). The answer was "no," and I often wrestled with the thought that I must be doing something wrong. But it helped me to see that there are so many parents who have to get through these hard phases too. (Our baby back then would often wake up 10 times a night.)

By the way, it also often does you good to deliberately spend time with people who understand you and can be compassionate. And, for a little while, to avoid the kinds of get-togethers where that's not the case and you constantly feel like the other parents think you're doing something wrong.

Tip 2: It's a phase, and it will pass!

Keep reminding yourself that this is a temporary stretch of time. Walk alongside your child as best you can, and remember that your baby is going through a lot right now.

Every one of us has hard seasons, and how good it is to have someone by our side through them.

Tip 3: Walks, as often as you can

I know, this tip probably sounds pretty ordinary. But a change of scenery and some fresh air are often so valuable. Sometimes it takes real effort (especially after a rough night), but it's worth it.

Even if your little one has a crying spell (like I said, some babies cry for two hours straight and can't be soothed), a walk out in nature can often shift something.

Tip 4: Check now and then for new teeth

Lots of babies are dealing with new teeth around 9 months. Their gums get swollen, they drool a lot, they chew on everything, and depending on how uncomfortable they are, your little one may cry a good deal because of it.

A teething ring (chilled, if you like), a cold wet washcloth, teething gel, or, if it's really painful, a mild pain reliever can all help here.

Tip 5: Offer security through...

Here's a really important tip: your baby is going through big mental and physical changes right now. And what children most need during these times is security. (Which makes sense, when so much around them is changing.)

And what gives them a huge sense of security is rituals and routines.

So: pave your day with routines.

Make a daily plan that fits your baby's needs. Put together a bedtime routine where each step reliably leads into the next, and radiate calm confidence as you carry it out.

Your baby will feel it (Mom knows what she's doing! I can trust her). And when you do it this way again and again, it becomes a habit (remember, babies only need a few days to recognize these recurring elements). And that gives your little one the security they need.

For example, if your baby currently doesn't really love riding in the stroller, but you go for a walk every morning at 9:30 AM anyway (because you know it does you both good), then after a few days your little one will start to treat it as a ritual and soon enough will enjoy it too.

(The same thing happens, by the way, with daycare or school: at first it takes some effort and, depending on temperament, can be challenging. But at some point it becomes a habit and then feels completely natural. And in most cases we come to associate something positive with it, because humans love their routines.)

Tip 6: Learning to sleep?!

If your little one is right in the middle of a sleep regression and working through developmental leaps, it may not be the best moment to help them sleep better.

But if this phase has already been going on for two or three weeks, consider whether it might be time to introduce some gentle, attachment-focused steps. A good place to start is helping your baby learn to fall asleep independently — gently, with you right there.

For us, this often improved the sleep situation dramatically within just a few days, and in the end, we did our little one a real kindness.

Our free baby sleep email course has already helped so many moms and dads with exactly this.

Tip 7: A few important things to do right now

Depending on how critical your current situation is, there are a few immediate steps worth taking.

Catch up on sleep

If you're running on serious sleep deprivation right now, do everything you can to get a few extra hours.

When your little one sleeps, lie down too. Daytime or evening, it doesn't matter. (Let the housework wait!)

Often just two days of really catching up on sleep are enough to refill your tank.

Try to have your partner take a shift or two as well (over the weekend, maybe?). Sometimes babies protest at first because they're so focused on Mom right now. But there's nothing wrong with your little one getting used to Dad too (that can happen fast, especially when Mom isn't within reach or sight!).

Please be aware of this: your baby needs you, they depend on you. Which means they benefit most when you are doing well. When you've slept enough, feel steady, and can meet your little one with joy!

A break from your phone

No joke! Take a few hours a day where you set your phone aside, turn it off, and do other things (without a screen).

Phones so often keep us from thinking clearly, staying present in the here and now, or even noticing how tired we actually are (it's scientifically proven that screen light keeps us from feeling sleepy!).

Who can help?

Think about who could support you. Who could take your baby for a walk so you can lie down for an hour?

Are there relatives or a friend who could look after your little one for a bit, or help out around the house?

Dare to ask. Most people are genuinely glad when they get a concrete idea for how to help.

Chin up, dear Mom, dear Dad. You are wonderful parents. You're there for your child, and you care deeply about how they're doing. You will get through this. And soon enough, easier days will come again.

With love, Your Sarah